Goodbye

What have I done?

 I have no one to blame but myself.

I’ve lost something I truly treasured.

 It’s my entire fault. 

This pain, this overwhelming ache is familiar yet new.

 How could this have happened? 

I hate myself so much. 

I always have.

 I deserve to suffer. 

I don’t deserve any of the good things in my life. 

I deserve to die, and I will soon enough. 

I really did try to do the right thing. 

I tried to make good choices.

 I made a serious effort to ignore the darkness, 

to cage the evil inside me, but it doesn’t work like that. 

The trick is learning to live with it and to control it.

 However, I failed.

 I am too weak and too stupid.

 I have fallen again. 

I don’t know how to pick myself up this time. 

Maybe this evil rising inside me will teach me how to make and survive the climb. 

Maybe this darkness will save me, and others, by taking my life. 

Maybe this is my fate. 

I thought I knew enough. 

I thought I understood enough, 

but now I feel so lost and confused. 

All I want to do is watch the blood flow out of my wrists

 and feel the comfort of knowing I will never break another heart and hurt another soul. 

I doubt my death will damage any hearts and souls, 

but if it does, it will only be a few and it will be the last time. 

She’s right. 

They all are. 

I am wrong.

 I see what they see now, but I can’t change any of it, not really. 

Not enough to satisfy them. 

I can’t be what they want and need me to be.

…

I didn’t think I could care so much for someone again. 

I didn’t believe I was capable of loving someone so much again.

 I was certain that I couldn’t be hurt again and that my heart was unbreakable.

 I didn’t consider non-romantic love though. 

I didn’t prepare myself for that. 

I love her so much.

 I miss her.

 I wish it didn’t have to end this way. 

I wish it didn’t have to end at all, 

but I know it’s for the best.

 She knows it too, if she doesn’t now, she will know it later. 

It hurts to know she is suffering, and because of me.

 All I want to do is help her, to save her, and ease her suffering.

 I wish I could make her happy.

 I enjoyed making her smile and feel good. 

I enjoyed spending time with her. 

I loved being her friend. 

I hope she finds someone who can help her, to make her happy,

 and be what she wants and needs. 

Although I don’t deserve it, I hope she will forgive me someday. 

Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend.